How and where can you find your person?
Finding the perfect love is important not only for a happy life but also for a healthy one, so it’s worth spending time and energy doing so. Here are 10 tips for finding the perfect love:
1. Meet a lot of available single people. Some people are lucky to find the right mate in high school or college but if you haven’t found the right mate by the time you graduate, what do you do? Meet as many single potential mates as possible. When the pandemic is over, go to dances for single people and sign up for activities that you like. In the meantime, join online dating services. Stanford sociologist Michael Rosenfeld and colleagues show that “meeting online has become the most popular way couples meet, eclipsing meeting through friends.”
Online dating can allow you to discover a variety of people, most of whom you would never have met otherwise, and the more people you meet, the higher the chance that you will find the right person for you. Unfortunately, people can misrepresent themselves online. To uncover a fake, ask to meet in person quickly, in a safe public place. If the person refuses or postpones the meeting several times, they are probably not what they claim to be.
When you finally meet the person, pay attention to what your body is feeling: Are you right away feeling at ease and attracted to the person, or are you feeling uneasy? Learn to trust your first body’s reaction.
2. Know who you are and what kind of mate you need. Everybody needs something different in a mate. Select the qualities you want, and don’t settle until you find someone with those qualities.
3. On your first date, ask questions. Be very honest with the person and ask, “Are you looking for marriage or just for a hookup?” “Do you want children?” “Where do you want to live?”
If you are looking for marriage and the other person is just looking for a hookup, don’t try to change their mind; it’s probably better to walk away. If both of you are looking for the same thing, you could be a match. If your goal is to have five children and the other person is sure they want any, you are not a match and you need to walk away. It is better to know the answer to those questions before getting emotionally attached.
4. Make sure you are spiritually compatible and if not, that you can respect the other one’s beliefs. If one of you is Catholic and the other one is Muslim, make sure you can respect and support the other one’s beliefs without trying to make them change. The important question is: In which faith would you raise your children? You need to discuss this and find an answer that will satisfy both of you before you get emotionally attached, if you have any thoughts about marryingy the person.
5. Make sure you are sexually compatible. Here are some extremes: Some people don’t care for sex and don’t really need it. Others desire sex every day. Still others only need sex once a month. If a person who needs sex once a month marries someone who needs sex twice a day, conflict will arise and the relationship will probably not last.
When I was single, I had a list of questions that I asked on first dates. One was, “How often do you need to have sex?” Since sex was something important to me, I didn’t date anybody if they were not sexually compatible with me.
6. Make sure you are financially compatible. If a stingy person marries someone who likes spending a lot of money, the marriage might not survive if they have a common bank account.
On the other hand, if both keep separate finances even when married, the stingy one might like to get a lot of presents from the generous one, as long as the generous one doesn’t get into deeper and deeper debt. If the generous one gets into deep debts, then incompatibility will arise.
7. Make sure you are emotionally compatible. Some people like to be in each other’s arms, hold hands, and say and hear loving words. Other people don’t like physical closeness (other than during sex) and cannot say love words. A marriage between a cuddly person and a non-cuddly one could be a disaster. You need to walk away from an incompatible relationship before you get emotionally attached.
8. Make sure you are intellectually compatible. Some people are interested in everything and anything, always want to discover and learn new things, and love to travel. Other people want to stay home, do the same routine work every day, and are not interested in learning or discovering new things. A marriage between these two types would probably not last.
9. Make sure you can talk about problems. Problems will arise, in the near or distant future. They always do. Whether it’s health problems, children’s or parents’ problems, work or money problems—problems will happen. Make sure you and your mate can talk to each other, listen to each other, and find solutions together.
10. Spend time and energy looking for the perfect love. We spend time, money, and energy studying and looking for the perfect job. We need to do the same thing when looking for the perfect love. We need to be proactive and actively seek the right mate, which is as important as looking for the right job. If we wait for the right person to magically show up on our doorstep, we could wait a long time, but settling for the wrong mate could destroy our life, health, and finances.
Searching for and finding the perfect love will make us happier, healthier, and could make us live longer.
Keep being hopeful and at the same time be patient and persistent. Know that the right mate exists for you; you just need to find them. Pay attention to your body’s reaction when you meet people. Your body will let you know—feeling at ease and excited at the same time, heart racing, butterfly sensations—when the right person is in front of you.
Seven years ago, I was a widow, and I dated 120 men before meeting the wonderful man who is now my husband. He was number 121. Within a few minutes of meeting him, my body was shivering with excitement. I felt at the same time very comfortable with him and very attracted to him. My body knew right away. Had I not met him, I would have continued my search.
Everybody deserves to find the right mate for them. Do not settle for less than what you deserve.